First I will say that I don’t watch this family-reality show, but I sometimes come across them on the TLC channel now and then… and when I do, I can’t help but watch this craptastic voyage for a few minutes (much like how one watches a train wreck). I understand that Jon and Kate Gosselin got knocked-up-by-doctors which blessed them with a pair of twins, and then four years later they got the magic prize of six more babies via the same method. Jon and Kate Plus Eight. Charming. It would also appear that she is a controlling, shrill bitch unreasonable woman, but maybe you have to be when you have eight kids. She seems to treat Jon like he’s a useless idiot. It’s insufferable to watch her berate him in her less-than-loving way. She really ought to be nicer to him if she wants to stay married forever. (And she should know that if her marriage collapses from a lifetime of shrill bitchiness harassment and aggravation that nothing says undateable to man more than eight kids does.)
I will also mention here that I don’t bother with all the celebrity “news” rags lined up at the supermarket check-out. Everyone knows that stuff is pure trash (right?) and I can’t part with my precious time or money for that kind of useless drivel. (All that printed paper is bad for the environment too – but that’s just an aside.) And yet there are things one can’t help but notice if one has eyes in one’s head… which brings me to Kate Gosselin.
Apparently her husband Jon is being accused of sticking his peen into some other lady’s younger, tighter bits, or so say all the headlines of late. Whatev. I wasn’t there, so I can’t be sure of any of this. Not to mention the fact that I don’t give a rat’s ass about what (or who) these people are doing. It’s because of this endless parade of cover stories about this couple that I can’t seem to go anywhere without seeing their faces. Or her completely atrocious hair.
I mean, really. Really! Does the woman have no mirror? Is she blind or what?! Surely the people who shoot this miserable TV series have hair/make-up/wardrobe people who can help her with this problem. And it IS, in fact, a problem. Perhaps they let her walk around like that on purpose, as to promote interest in the show. “Wow, that chick’s hair is just terrible! I must tune in to see this craziness up close…” I really don’t know why someone doesn’t do something. All I know is every time I see a picture of her (which is daily, if I leave my house at all) I just want to punch her in the neck. I’m only half kidding.
Her head has this half-bob curtain-like swag of hair, mostly on one side, and all these pointy bits all over the place, and baaaad streaking… lord, it’s dreadful. It hurts my eyes. This is one of the worst cases of assault-by-bad-aesthetics I can think of. Bad aesthetics are bad for the world, and warrant correction. For the sake of peaceful life, I believe she should have mercy on us all and get a haircut that makes sense, and leave that prickly-porcupine-hacked-by-weed-eater hair behind. I believe this would be good for everyone.
This will not go down as a “do” in the big book of popular, iconic hair, with the likes of Farrah Fawcett, Jennifer Aniston, and Liza with a Z. She may be pictured on the “never-do” page at the back of the book, alongside the mugshot of one Phil Spector, but that’s only if the writers feel the need to add a gag (me) section.
I never want to see this hair again, and I fear with all this media attention, things may get out of hand rather fast. Before we know it, suburban moms everywhere could start sporting this skanky-ass hairdon’t, and the world will become a mess. (I’m having enough trouble with the everywhere-a-sweatsuit problem in society, which is just a tad better than what I (un)affectionately call the lesbian-separates issue.) I wish Jon and Kate would just break up already, or resolve their issues and get back to their lives so the craparazzi people can go back to cover shots like Brangelina and the Octo-mom like they used to. The world was a happier, prettier place back then.
But seriously, people. Somebody help her. Please. PLEASE! And QUICKLY!! Her horrible hair is driving me insane, and I’m really quite crazy enough, thanks.
NOTE: I don’t ACTUALLY want to harm Kate Gosselin in any way. I don’t ACTUALLY want to harm anyone. I wish no ill on this woman or any member of her massive, sprawling brood. It’s just that if I had a list of people who needed shanking with a very sharp shiv (as if there’s any other kind), she’d be on it, probably near the top… so don’t bother trying to tip off the authorities about my online plots of hatefulness. I’m a hateful person… but only in jest. And issokay – the baby Jesus and I have an understanding: he mocks me, the devil mocks him, and I get to mock anyone I want. PLUS I get a nice cozy seat next to the big fire when my time comes. It’s a win-win situation as far as I’m concerned.
FINAL NOTE: I understand Jon and Kate have recently separated, which of course, does not surprise me in the least. I wish that the craparazzi will stop flogging this dead horse and leave these poor people alone to lick their wounds, and stop putting them on the cover of every magazine under the sun, because all these pictures of her hair are STILL driving me bonkers.
G.G.
