On my daily trip out and about today, I had the misfortune of seeing a two people wearing the worst pants I’ve seen in public in a loooong while. I couldn’t help but think if they’d owned some sort of three-way mirror, they never would have left the house looking like that. Not for free, anyway.
One woman had a pair on that were all wrinkled in the bum. I mean, crazy-saggy frumpy-assed poplin pants. I don’t know if she’d lost a lot of weight recently or what, but she should have seen herself from behind. She looked like she was towing a steaming load of crap back there. For real.
The other woman had on a pair clearly from 1992 or so. They were very high-waisted (not in a good way) and the cuffs on these “business dress” pants were about 4 or 5 inches high. She could carry her lunch in those cuffs. And they were pleated. Good lord – it was a terrible day for fashion out there!
Pants. Trousers. Slacks. (I loathe the word slacks…should be banished from everyday vernacular entirely, unless one is describing extra-tall, extra-long, extra-tight fitting bottoms on a person over the age of, say, seventy.) There are some simple rules about pants – they vary a little from year to year as fashions come and go, but all in all, the rules remain the same. I feel the need to point out a few of these rules, in case you were wondering. These are good-aesthetics rules which are for the good of all mankind.
Let’s start with this: if you currently own any trousers with pleats in the front of any sort, go immediately to your closet and throw them away, please. They will never come back in fashion. Do not save them for use at the cottage, or for gardening. Don’t even donate them. Even needy people don’t need these kinds of bad pants. Go ahead. I’ll wait.
If you have any jeans that are light washed, stone washed, or acid washed, you can toss those onto the scrap heap too. I mean really! Look at the date on the newspaper for goodness sake.
While I understand that super-low waist jeans are not for everyone (nor should they be) high-waist jeans are often just too high. How can one tell? Well, suppose you were to reach a hand over your shoulder to scratch your shoulder blade… if you can also slip your wallet into your back pocket from this angle, then your jeans are cut much, much too high. If you own such a pair, please rid yourselves of them.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but skinny jeans are for skinny people. Period. If you are concerned that you may be too fat for skinny jeans, then you probably are. Sorry. As unfair as this rule may seem to some, it is still a rule. Rules are rules, after all. And it’s a fad… it’ll be over fairly soon, I reckon.
Unless you have a tennis racket in hand, please note that skorts (another word/fashion that should be banished) are only for girl-children under the age of ten. This is so the panty-areas on little kids appear less comely for pedophiles. (This is also the only way to explain such a horrible garment.)
And now for a few words on “whiskering” on denim: I care not how big or small a person is (we all come in different shapes and sizes) but the larger the thigh area is, the less whiskering there ought to be on the jeans. This only makes it appear as though the heavier thigh has eroded the denim from being overly constrained. It’s not a great look. I’m just saying.
Sweatpants should remain in the gym, on the playing field, or for parading around in the comfort of one’s own home, in front of the television in the rec room, or rumpus room, or whatever “comfort” room you like – as long as it’s at home. One needn’t feel the desire to where track pants everywhere… like to the theatre. Or church.
And if you’re a dude, please, PLEASE wear some kind of underwear or cup beneath them – we can all see your peen head bobbing up and down in your sweats, and while you might find this the most comfortable thing in the world, it’s rather gross trying to have a conversation with you in the produce section of the grocery store. It’s a bit perverted, really. And ladies, some of youallses super-snug Lululemons are giving you way-unflattering cases of camel-toe, and this is harshing my mellow. I’m no crotch-watcher, but some details simply cannot be ignored. You know who you are. I just thought I’d tell you.
If you are brave enough to wear gouchos, or balloony harem pants, well alrighty then. I hope you have the appropriate footwear to go with them – otherwise you’re wide open for ridicule.
‘Nuf said.
G.G.
